Sup? What? Why you looking at me like that? I legitimately told you that there was almost no chance I’d post your favorites teams fake rosters this week. And by your favorite team, I mean, the team you unluckily got stuck with. Because let’s be honest, we all wish we were born in Brazil or Germany, at least for selfish footballing reasons. But not all of us are that lucky. In fact, most of us know our chances are slim-to-none this summer.
One team with a slim to none chance is England. YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT!! I SAID IT!!. Mighty-Mighty England sits at 16-1 odds to win PutinMania18. Not great folks. Overrated, inconsistent, and not as advertised. When your team gets axed by Iceland in the Euros and fails to get out of the group stage in Brazil, you might be a lot worse than just 16-1 odds. But hey, I’ll admit it, it’s tough to critique another team when Mexico is at 100-1. But I know and have accepted my faith already. Mexico is doomed to get hilariously stomped on by Germany, and somehow inch their way into the Round of 32, only to lose out to Brazil. It’s written in stone. This is more of a lock than child-stars checking into rehab at 27. Basically, you should bet your mortgage on it. But enough about melodramatic drama queens, let’s get back to talking English Footy. This world cup should prove crucial to the development of English Football. After wiping the Youth Tournaments in 2017,
Here's a reminder of how England's youth fared in 2017:
U17 World Cup winners 🏆
U19 Euro winners 🏆
U20 World Cup winners 🏆
Toulon winners 🏆 pic.twitter.com/UWMdyj0MoY— BT Sport Score (@btsportscore) November 4, 2017
England should be a team to show some promise for Qatar 2022 (lol Qatar). But we’re here to talk Russia. And as you see by the cast of The Three Lions, which is in production as we speak, this summer will be an interesting one, to say the least. Let’s take a look at my, inevitably wrong, predictions.
GoalKeepers
Joe Hart, Jordan Pickford, Jack Butland
Little surprise here. Hart undeservingly will find a spot at goal, or at least on the bench in Russia. Sure he doesn’t play, but Southgate will show loyalty to his henchman. Personally, I believe Fraser Forster should go, but no one gives a fuck about my opinion, so why even bother with it.
Defense
John Stones, Phil Jones, Gary Cahill, Kyle Walker, Ryan Bertrand, Kieran Trippier, Harry Maguire, Fabian Delph
Ah yes, the what everyone wants to know is who will be the 2 or 3 center-backs Southgate will go with. As far as fullbacks, England has some of the best to offer. Kyle Walker, Ryan Bertrand, Nathanial Clyne if he stays healthy, Luke Shaw, (Mourinho gasps with dismay). But that backline has been less than spectacular since the departure of the “Golden Generation.” What was once Rio Ferdinand and John Terry can potentially become Phil Jones and Chris Smalling. Look away Brits, look away.
Midfield
Dele Alli, Jordan Henderson, Jesse Lingard, Jack Wilshere, Eric Dier, Ross Barkley, Raheem Sterling, James Ward-Prose
One can never talk about England’s midfield without mentioning the failed Golden Generation. Like seriously, Becks, Gerrard, and Lampard, and no semifinal appearances. SAD. But this new young generation is also looking promising. The midfield will be a battle royale to see who makes it to Russia. Players like Loftus-Cheek, Shelvey, Livermore, Albrighton, the list goes on and on. But only 23 can make it, and it won’t be the best 23. Just as Klinsmann did with Germany in ’06, I think Southgate should choose to go with a younger squad for the World Cup. Ward-Prose may not totally deserve a spot in Russia, but he’s been a captain of most of his youth teams and could gain tons of experience in Russia, that would prove crucial for Qatar.
Forwards
Harry Kane, Jamie Vardy, Marcus Rashford, Dominic Calvert-Lewin,
In sticking with the youth movement, the Three Lions will depend heavily on Harry Kane, who has molded himself into the best Striker with probably a couple baby teeth still in. Clavert-Lewin will play very valuable minutes but nothing huge. Rashford can possibly be a starter for England at just 20 years old, fucking sick.
That’s all I got for you on the Three Lions. A couple inappropriate Alli jokes were purposely left out. But let’s be honest, none of my, “jokes,” are very funny, to begin with. Keep those eyes open for Australia Squads dropping sometime this century, and Uruguay maybe before the Sun dies out. Until then, you know where to find me, watching you sleep from a tree nearby your bedroom, or @SenorBautista on the tweety, it just depends who you are. Until then, stay safe, and lay off the internet for 10 minutes, for your eye’s sake.