Can you smell that? No that wasn’t me who farted, but can you smell that other thing? No, not the smell of urine and old man cologne coming from Zlatan, Rooney, and Schweinsteiger, I’m talking the smell of a new MLS Season. The 24th season of MLS’s(?) history. So, it’s only fitting that the recent addition of FC Cincinnati pushed the league to 24 total teams. Now I know what you’re thinking, “MLS is expanding ever so quickly, and this is one of the only websites on earth that cover the league?” (lol cover) But you’re also thinking, “Why bother watching the league when we all know Atlanta is probably going to repeat?” Well, I say to you bewildered reader, “Probably.” But also, think of the many possibilities this season has to offer us!
The prospects of Atlanta sucking without El Tata Martino is entirely possible. Or what about LAFC making that 2nd-year jump similar to Atlanta last year? Ever heard of the NY Red Bulls? Yeah, last seasons Supporter Shield winners have been slated the favorites to win the MLS Cup this year at +500 (bet 100, get 500). Oh, and big, bad, and scary Sebastian Giovinco is no longer here to terrorize the league. Anything is possible this season! The difference could be as simple as a superstar transfer mid-season, or a poorly timed DUI for an opposing team.
But you’re not here for all that. Actually, I don’t really know what you’re here for. Maybe the title fooled you into thinking this might be a halfway decent blog post. Well, it’s not. You get what you pay for. And since you paid nothing but maybe 25 seconds of your life, you get this crappy MLS season preview. So without further ado (adieu?), here is that stuff you came to see.
The, ‘Our Coach Left so We’ll Suck this Season’ award goes to…
Atlanta United. So it’s a little bit tricky when saying a team will suck when fully expecting them to make the MLS playoffs. It’s a relevant term really. Will Atlanta United suck as much to not make the playoffs? God no, have you seen their team? But, with players like Josef Martinez, Ezequiel Barco, and Gonzalo Martinez, you have got to believe that it is a championship-or-bust season. Anything less than making the MLS Cup Final and probably a top 3 Supporter Shield finish could be deemed a failure. And sorry to be the bearer of bad news but, #ATLUTD won’t achieve either of those. I just don’t trust Frank de Boer. Not because he was fired in his last two jobs within 3 months because of terrible performances. But because he once compared Wilfred Zaha, to Lionel Messi. ZAHA TO MESSI! You can’t trust that type of guy. Columbus will suck too, but success is correlated to expectations and no one really expects them to do much.
The Deion Sanders, ‘Look Good, Play Good Decent,’ award…
https://twitter.com/WhitecapsFC/status/1088823234152169472
I’ve got to be honest, few uniforms in the MLS this season have their own style. With half the league having the exact same away kit, the throwback uni’s bring in a great pizazz. I almost went Columbus Crew, but we already saved them from extinction, so a pity award thrown their way won’t do much anymore. But these jerseys are Yellowstone supervolcano FIRE FLAMES hot! Even Alphonso Davies is looking back like, “Damn can I get one of those?” Though apart from the jerseys, the team is looking, not like its old self. No seriously, I’m pretty sure the Whitecaps had more new additions this winter then one Kardashian. And apart from a brand new face, similar to the Galaxy, they also have an overpaid Dos Santos. I kid of course. It’s what this site has come to. Making low hanging fruit jokes. Yeah, So!
The ‘This Player Almost Left During the Winter and he’s Leaving During the Summer’ award…
I think we all know about Luciano Acosta leaving to Paris Saint-Germain this winter going array. It was going to show the rest of the world the quality of players in this league. We got one star leaving to Bayern, another to the Premier League, one to the Saudi Arabian League, and finally one to PSG. But things broke down, and hence DC United is well equipped to contest for a playoff spot this fall. HOWEVA, I know a guy that knows a guy that once took a picture with Acosta, that told me Acosta is leaving D.C in the summer. Just kidding, I don’t leave my parents basement, so I don’t really know that guy. But if my intuition serves me correctly, which let’s be honest doesn’t work very often, I think Acosta’s weeks are numbered in the U.S. leaving D.C United to just a washed up Rooney and a bunch of other guys.
The ‘Giovinco Newcomer of the Year’ award…
I think many people will be surprised to not see Gonzalo ‘Pity’ Martinez on here, considering Atlanta paid 17 million for him. Or maybe even Marco Fabian, yeah just because I grew up watching Chivas play and seeing Fabian go from a teenaged, drunken, partying, inconsistent talent, to an adult, drunken, partying, inconsistent talent, doesn’t mean I think he’ll be the best newcomer. Though let’s be honest, his style of play fits perfectly in the MLS where he almost always will go unmarked in that 20-30 yard range. But… I’m really going out on a limb with this Hot take. Przemysław Frankowski. No, I didn’t just randomly smash my keyboard on his first name. Frankowski not only is a growing talent from Poland, but he gets to send crosses and through balls to one of the leagues best strikers, Nemanja Nikolic. He has Dax and Schweinsteiger (maybe) holding down the middle. I really think he’ll surprise a lot of people with his quickness. He’ll also thrive here in Chicago with the big Polish heritage there.
The ‘Laughably Bad Team of the Season’ award…
I almost went FC Cinncinati, but with uniforms like those, and big crowds like they draw, you just can’t expect that team to finish last. But think we all know it’s coming. You can’t mention the New England Revolution without mentioning their, very in the news, owner Robert Kraft. Little Bobby Kraft finds himself in need of a hand, and Carles Gil is not the foreigner for the job. After trading away Kraft’s third favorite Asian, Lee Nguyen last season, that attacking midfielder position really felt flat last season. Fagundez really didn’t fit that CAM position naturally, and Gil doesn’t really have that IT factor. I think it’ll be a flop of a transfer for the Revs, and the season will not look pretty. I mean, about as pretty as a rub and tug would look after some old billionaires passed by (allegedly).
The ‘Over Achieving MVP of the Season’ award…
“Hey pal, this is the MLS. Why you over here dominating us,” is what fans will yell at Carlos Vela this season. Look, I get it. I sound like an idiot giving Vela the MVP of the league when Josef Martinez is still yet to leave to Europe. But hear me out. What LAFC did last season was really really good. A new expansion team, that made lots of moves during the season, finished in the playoffs. Vela was fantastic last year, and now has Christian Ramirez to work with the whole season. I think LAFC makes that jump to being an elite level contender. I also think Bob Bradley wins coach of the year. I expect big things from LAFC this season. Not because they should follow ATL UTD footsteps, but because Vela is going to shine this year after learning he is good enough to almost being a Barcelona player.
The MLS CUP CHAMPIONS
SEATTLE!!! SEATTLE!!! Not many teams can say with a straight face that they have the most talented roster in the league. For my money, which isn’t much, I really believe the Sounders have the BEST squad in the league. All this supposing that Jordan Morris is coming back healthy and ready to have a season like 2016. But even if he isn’t as good as then, you got Victor Rodriguez running the other wing, Ruidiaz up top, a physical and solid backline, and a goalie very near to being America’s next bald keeper. Now, the haters will tell you that losing Ozzie Alonso will set them back. Well, the haters might be right. But Roldan and Svensson are no slackers. While they don’t come even close to what Alonso has done not only for the Sounders but in the MLS in the last 10 years, I think his void could be filled by the duo dropping further back. We know Alonso is an all-time great, but having that third DP slot open gives them the potential of adding a strong midfielder to try and fill that position. I think they do make a signing in the summer, and really make them the most dangerous team in the league. I’m talking multiple trophies. Supporter and MLS cup? Or the Open Cup? But Seattle is the champs. Throw your money at them at 10/1 odds.
I’m actually super intrigued to see how this season pans out. If it’s anything like last season, where I was correct with my Championship prediction, then we’ll see good teams being eliminated early in the playoffs. But gosh am I excited. I’m smuggling multiple peanuts in my clothes, and I’m not afraid to show it. HAPPY OPENING DAY!! Here is to a very successful season!!