Handed to them on a golden platter by god, or at least via heated balls, Uruguay is without a doubt the biggest winner from December’s WC group draw. Those lucky bastards from South America landed the Russia group, while also being grouped with Egypt and Saudi Arabia. Look, don’t get me wrong, Mo Salah has done an amazing job of making soccer relevant in Egypt, but he isn’t nearly enough to make Uruguay hot and heavy. Luis Suarez was probably finishing up a 5 piece, leg and thigh bucket from Kentucky Fried Humans when he got the news that Uruguay has qualified for the Round of 32. (Luis Suarez cannibalism jokes are timeless, and also will always be shit. Granted, everything I say will be unfunny 99% of the time, so maybe an actually clever writer may be able to give a good Suarez joke. I for one cannot.) However, there is some bad news. Assuming that Uruguay wipes the floor with Group A, which they will, they are now paired up with the 2 giants from Group B. They will draw either Spain or Portugal, given Spain doesn’t poop itself like they did in Brazil, in the round of 32, and that matchup isn’t very favorable to say the least.
The 2x World Cup Champion currently sit at 25-1 to win the tournament, which isn’t terrible odds to bet. Led by its two-headed monster of PSG’s and Barcelona’s Beta males, Cavani and Suarez, respectively, Uruguay should be able to hold it’s own against the top flight clubs. This is the first World Cup since 1990, that Uruguay has qualified for the WC without having to play the Inter-Confederation Playoff game. It was pretty much smooth sailing throughout the qualification round, except getting their asses handed to them by Brazil in March. Thankfully, none of the teams in their group are on a Brazilian level of caliber, or Venezuela to be honest.
Getting to the roster’s, Uruguay has always been a quite weak squad aside from Suarez, Forlan, Cavani, and Godin. (Yes I know Forlan has been out the game for a while, but I’m making a point, ok.) Even calling them a 2-time champ is a stretch considering the World Cup’s they won, they were the host nations for one, and both only had 13 teams in it. But a trophy is a trophy, so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. No Liverpool fans, that 2011 EFL Cup trophy doesn’t actually count as a trophy. I digress, aside from those 4, there hasn’t been much in terms of talent. Gaston Ramirez showed a glimpse of potential at Southampton, and ultimately wasn’t bought by Liverpool, so that says all you need to know about that. But let’s get to why you’re here. You’re stoned out of your mind, searching the internet for your favorite NSFW website and suddenly get a hankering for soccer talk. But not that politically correct, analytic, pundits bullshit. No, you want that dollar menu at Burger King, equivalent of soccer websites. And no I’m not the common man. I’m more like that friend that is a little weirder than the rest of your buddies, but you keep him around because he isn’t all that bad. Oh, that’s not why you’re here? What? You’re here for the Uruguayan World Cup roster? Well if you’re Uruguayan, then buckle up and get ready to be triggered. Alrighty then let’s get to it.
Goalkeepers
Fernando Muslera, Martin Campaña, Gaston Guruceaga.
You would think that a goalkeeper that has been the number 1 GK ten years ago would be near the end of his career. Not Fernando Muslera. He has been the goalie for Uruguay since what seems like their first World Cup. And still, my man is only 31 years old. With the lack of separable talent on the squad, Muslera will be suiting up for the 2022 WC in Qatar/USA. Book it.
For those of you that cannot point out Uruguay on a map.
Defenders
Diego Godín, José Maria Giménez, Maxi Pereira, Martín Caceres, Jorge Fucile, Alvaro Pereira, Alejandro Silva, Sebastian Coates
With a solid backline of Godín, Coates, Pereira, and Fucile, the Uruguayan defense is none too shabby. Including the likes of Jose Maria Giménez in the mix, or as many know him as, “that reasonably priced defender from Atleti on FUT,” Uruguay shouldn’t give up to many goals in the group stage of the World Cup. Now playing against Spain or Portugal, I cannot say the same. El Maestro Tabárez will have his work cut out in the round of 32. But El Maestro isn’t a stranger to upsetting big teams like he showed in Brazil by beating Italy and England, to clinch 2nd place in the group stage.
Yeah, this totally not weed. It’s called Mate. Apparently people are like addicted to it in Uruguay.
Midfielders
Christian Rodríguez, Nicolas Lodeiro, Carlos Sanchez, Matias Vecino, Nahitan Nandez, Giorgian de Arrascaeta, Lucas Torreira, Alvaro Gonzalez
Although it may be the weakest position, of the field, the Uruguayan midfield is definitely the most interesting. How so? Well, aside from Vecino, Nandez, and maybe el Cacha Rios, no midfielders are completely safe from missing out on Russia. And with many players nearing the end of the road, it will be a tough choice for Tabárez to choose loyalty over who really is worthy of going to Russia.
Uruguay midfielder at the World Cup.
Forwards
Luis Suarez, Edinson Cavani, Jonathan Urretaviscaya
The only Mortal locks, baring injuries, on this World Cup squad, Urretaviscaya and El Maestro Tabárez. JK. You know who makes this team literally and figuratively. They are the heart and soul of this team, and without them, there is no Russia. Both Suárez and Cavani are no strangers to riding others coattails (see Neymar performance in the last 5 seasons).
Uruguay is know for wearing the tightest shirts known to man.
By god this blog went on much longer than it should have. In all seriousness Uruguay will probably be knocked out in that 4th game. As great as they were during qualification stage, I don’t see them getting passed Ronny or Spain. Join me next time where I’ll fail to correctly, “predict,” France’s PutinMania squad. Until then, make sure to tweet at me until you’ve run out of tweets @SenorBautista deuces.