The 105th Blog Telling You Which Team You Should Root For, As Told By A Bumbling Idiot

/ American Soccer, European Soccer Leagues, International Soccer / By

Soccer is Back! How things have changed since we last saw footy in America. All our domestic (and foreign) leagues got canceled. Apparently, the hot trend is leagues streaming teams playing against each other in FIFA. Development academies and NCAA teams are getting axed. Alex Morgan finally gave birth in her 10th trimester! This website thing got a new look…

But the more things change, the more they stay the same? NWSL superstars are still getting traded. Atlanta United fans are still insufferable. Lots of people, for no good reason (again), are criticizing the USWNT. And Orlando City SC is still sitting outside a playoff spot (technically).

But fear not. Auntie Merkel has brought hope to the soccer faithful. You can get your rocks off and scratch that soccer itch. With Sunday being the end of The Last Dance, the Bundesliga return couldn’t have come at a better time. God bless that age-less wonder that is Angela Merkel. Did you know she’s been Germany’s Chancellor since 2005? A time when Tom from Myspace was my only friend, Freddy Adu was the prince that was promised, and Carli Lloyd finished her 12th year with the USWNT (?). Fast forward to the dog days of quarantine and I’m one Twitter post about a player from USL 1 beating a player from NISA, in FIFA, away from jumping off the nearest bridge.

I want to think it’s been a tough few months without sports or social interaction (not that I had many, to begin with), but I also can’t help to think that, well, I’m not a healthcare worker fighting on the frontline. The day I do become a healthcare worker is the day we are all fucked. They’re the real MVP’s. So before you shift your attention to glorifying Lewandowski, or praising the kid from Dortmund, or reminiscing on the time you saw Alphonso Davies play in the MLS and you swore you knew he’d become a European Soccer star, remember that they really ain’t shit compared to the real heroes. Orlando City SC, for letting other teams have their playoff experience. The badasses in hospitals and clinics around the world.

So onto what you came for. I think more people have posted this “Which Bundesliga team should you pick?” blogs, than goals Jay Ajayi has given up in FIFA E-Leagues. I want you to believe me when I say that this one is unique to those. But not because I’m knowledgeable about the Bundesliga or because I can relate Bundesliga teams to MLS teams or whatever. No, it’s because it’s just one big hot take, and something that might make a few people angry on the internet (i know right). Without further ado…

Just Don’t Become a Fan of ANY TEAM!

The feels ^^^

I want this to be very clear, THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULDN’T WATCH THE RETURN OF THE BUNDESLIGA!!! In fact, I encourage you to watch it. Sunday and Saturday mornings won’t be this entertaining for a long time. You may be wondering, “what in the hell is this amateur-hour ass website?” But you’re also asking, “why should I not pick a team to root for, strange, unfunny, talentless person?” It’s simple, we have a shit ton of teams HERE IN AMERICA for you to root for.

Let’s take a quick count on pro teams in the US:

  • 26 soon to be 30 teams in MLS.
  • 9 soon to be 10 teams in the NWSL
  • 35 soon to be 38(?) teams in USL Championship
  • 12 with hopes to hit 20+ teams in USL League 1

And how about our local semi-pro/Pro-AM leagues? Now more than EVER, our teams in OUR OWN BACKYARDS NEED YOUR SUPPORT!

Our teams in the WPSL, USL League 2, NISA, UWS, NPSL, UPSL, all the regional leagues, and who can forget, NCAA Men and Women’s teams, need your support. There is no better time than now to become a supporter of one of the gazillion teams we have in the US. You want to become a follower of a team, probably just search up soccer teams near me and you’ll find them. In fact, upon writing this I’m developing Tinder for finding your American soccer team (patent pending). “Sexy Local Soccer teams in your area looking for: Followers.”

Now if you’re so convinced that you absolutely need a team to root for in Germany, I’m not gonna stop you. Go ahead and click on any of the other 200 blogs telling you which team to root for. “25 Reasons You Should Root For Bayern Munich.” All I can help with is letting you know that we do have some American’s abroad in Germany that you can keep an eye out for.

Borussia Dortmund- Gio Reyna

Borussia M’Gladbach– Fabian Johnson

Eintracht Frankfurt– Timothy Chandler

Fortuna Dusseldorf– Alfredo Morales, Zack Steffen (injured 😢)

Schalke 04– Weston McKennie

Werder Bremen– Josh Sargent

Wolfsburg– John Brooks

Those are our warrior USMNT players abroad. BUT NOT SO FAST! We still have 1 more American Soul on the cusps of returning to play. The Frauen Bundesliga is rumored to be coming back at the end of the month.

[Source]

The Frauen Bundesliga may be able to return on May 29 subject to the health guidelines already put in place, the German Football Association announced on Monday.

The clubs of the Women’s Bundesliga had earlier voted in favour of resuming the 2019-20 season after the coronavirus-enforced lockdown with a large majority. One club, 1. FC Köln, abstained from the vote.

Meaning Bryane Heaberlin will finish her 4th season in the women’s Bundesliga with FFC Frankfurt. So make sure to go and show her and the women’s Bundesliga love before our domestic leagues return to action (hopefully). Here’s hoping that the Bundesliga return can be a blueprint for our leagues here in the US. The sooner the leagues start up again, the sooner we can go back to hating on the NC Courage and ATL United.

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