26. Vancouver Needs to Dial Dr. Peter Venkman’s Number To Get The Ghost of Alphonso Davies Out of BC Place

/ American Soccer, MLS / By

What a difference 3 years can make! Just 3 seasons ago, this Vancouver team finished 3rd in the Western Conference and looked to have the world’s most exciting prospect. The following October, the passing of Alphonso Davies (to Bayern Munich) left fans with a hole in their heart, and owners with truckloads of money in their pockets. What followed was the worst season that a professional team in Vancouver has ever seen. Don’t fact check me, but it was god awful. Luckily for them, Cincinnati stunk up the joint on points, but I thought Vancouver was the worse team with a better defense.

Vancouver fans may be thinking, “New Year, new me.” Well, there’s some good news and some pretty fucking bad news. The good? You get to watch the sport you were born to watch/play! The Canucks are having a really good year and might not choke it in the playoffs. The bad? The Whitecaps are gonna be a total SHITSHOW this year. The Whitecaps are the WORST TEAM IN THE MLS!

Not to reopen the wound but


The Good: 

.

The Bad: Just about everything. The lack of offensive talent was really the problem. Vancouver actually had a pretty respectable defense. Not totally respectable, but a bit. Like when your dog breaks a toy you just bought him. Like damn bro, you’re a savage but also what the fuck you doing?! The midfield, *barfs* I couldn’t even finish that sentence. They just couldn’t hold the ball for more than a minute all season (also don’t fact check me). And the fortress? Yeah, it was the second year in the row that Vancouver had the worst home record in the Western Conference.

Vancouver’s Spongebob GIF for 2020

It’s gonna be a TOUGH year that’ll make Whitecaps fans gouge their eyes out, come week 3. Last year hundreds of people would walk out of the BC place displeased with the product on the field. This season, they’re just not gonna show up. And who can blame them? This team was sort of half-assed put together. The fact that they didn’t have a legitimate scouting system is probably the most laughable fact. Searching for players on Football Manager GTFO. What’s BC Place gonna stand for this season? Blatant Clowns? Bad Chemistry? Bummer City?

Offseason Moves?

Look, Vancouver made an effort in rebuilding that attack. It starts with the big-time striker, Cavalini. IMHO, meh. He’s good but I don’t know if they brought in enough around him to let him work. They kicked the tires on Millinkovic. They got their project guy in Dajome. Here’s the thing, that midfield needs help. Hwang was okay, but compared to the rest of the league, I would take the field 100 out of 100 times. No one knows if Owusu’s game will translate to a much better league. I just don’t know if it’s enough even if they presumably add a piece in the summer.

The Starting XI

Somehow, Marc Dos Santos is gonna fuck things up. MDS gonna blame the refs and finally beat the hell out of one someday. If they could land a stud for the 10 spot, or maybe experimenting with Yordy Reyna at that position pays off, they just might be able to win 10 games this season. No in all seriousness, they need more proven talent. They just can’t pump players out of the academy and hope for one to hit like Davies. That’s just not a viable option. Also, maybe lets lay off of comparing the goat Mickey Mouse to MLS. Don’t you know we’re still chasing Liga MX? The mouse would hunt MDS down and give him a Club House special if he ever mentions the mouse and MLS in the same sentence again.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQlKIdtD9XQ]

Betting Odds

+6600 according to Bovada.lv

I can’t stress this enough, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM VANCOUVER. Like seeing your ex in school. You see Vancouver down the hallway, you just have to take a different path to class. It doesn’t matter if your late, you just do not cross paths with them. I wouldn’t bet a dollar on them if their odds were +1 billion. Given my luck, Vancouver is gonna now squeak their way into the playoffs and run the table.

Best Watches

I’ve got to say, big fucking yikes this season, apart from these two really. You just have to watch Chicharito’s home debut. You’d have to expect he gets his first MLS goal then. And lastly decision day. That’s it. No more. I won’t hurt that pea-brain of yours. You deserve to watch better soccer. But if you do want to watch their every game, get your favorite adult beverage ready because, well you get the point. Oh and before I forget the second year in a row with some fire jerseys.

Predictions

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFOracFClBg?start=19]

It’s a good time to be alive in Vancouver. Hockey is back. Warm weather is on the cusps. The Rolling Stones are going in May. The Canada WNT qualified for the Olympics. But the Whitecaps
 the Whitecaps are gonna be bad. I think Marc Dos Santos doesn’t see the end of the season. They probably are gonna restructure someone’s deal to bring in another DP. Ultimately, bad things are coming for the Whitecaps this season. It’s gonna be a tough one so, go out and buy that sick jersey. Enjoy the Canucks for as far as they get (but let’s be honest they’re not winning it). And binge-watch all of Ryan Reynolds movies for the 10th time because the Vancouver Whitecaps will be the WORST team this year.

Hey! If you hated this blog! You’re gonna hate the next 25 blogs! Be sure to check them out as I count down each MLS team from worst to first for 2020.

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